Even on my weakest day...I get a little bit stronger

Where do I even begin to start??? I feel like I am about to have a mental breakdown. It seems like I have been hit by a ton of bricks. I have been waiting for this to happen...but it doesn't make dealing with it any easier.

I guess I will start 1st with school. We had our 2nd test today & I PASSED...YAY! Rather than that...everything else seems to be a big whirlwind. We had practicum orientation today & I am getting excited about it...but it is going to be another thing for me to juggle emotional, physical & financially. I knew this semester there was going to be a lot of things that had to be done for graduation, nursing licensure, NCLEX...etc...but I don't think I really realize how much money all this was going to cost. I mean I am already $50,000 in debt just with my tuition and books. It seems like everytime I turn around there is something else to be done. I got my nursing hat today...and my gosh they are the "ugliest" things I have ever saw! We have nursing pictures on Thursday...which cost $45.00 & we only get 2 wallets & a class photo...crazy. Then our nursing license application is $110 & our NCLEX is $200. We also have to do a fingerprint background check...who knows what this cost. I guess I am just a little overwhelmed...I am going to school for my future...to start a new live for my children & me...which will start with A WHOLE LOT OF DEBT!!!!

Today the MCBG graduate nursing recruiter came to school to talk to us about jobs. Really I was not ready to start thinking about jobs until I make it through this semester, but yesterday was the deadline for application process, so I got all my stuff in yesterday. They are going to start interviewing next week. April 15th they will let us know who got jobs and who didn't. I am excited about MCBG. They have a program they put new graduates through. It is a 3 week classroom setting where we will learn about the facility and procedures. Then they will try to place us in an area we are interested in & we will follow a preceptor for 6-8 weeks. I like this idea because I have always wanted to do OB or pediatrics & with this facility I may be able to start in one of these areas. I am hoping this will be my ticket out of this town.

This town will never be my "home". My home is in BG & one day I plan to go back "home". I am not a small town person. There is TOO much drama & everyone know...or thinking they know everything about your life. I know there are people like this in every town but this town is overflowing with drama. People never seem to amaze me in this town....disappointment, lies, drama, bullsh*t....I am SO OVER ALL OF IT!

I have done a lot of soul searching the last several weeks. I know I am not the person I was 1 year ago...and I am SO THANKFUL for this...but I still have a lot of growing to do. I am 30 years old & this is so NOT what I thought my life would be like. I am a single mother of 2 amazing kids...but sometimes I wish I had someone to spend my life with. I know when the timing is right everything will fall into place. Sometimes this is REALLY hard for me to understand. Going through nursing school, raising 2 kids & stressing about everything...sometimes I just wish I had someone here to have adult conversations with or to just hold me & tell me everything will be OK. I do have an AMAZING family support system behind me...& they would do ANYTHING in their power to make sure I succeed...but its just not the same as having someone to share this with.

I know all this will make me a stronger person in the long run. I also know God will not give me anymore than I can handle...but sometimes I wish he didn't think I was so strong.

I think I have vented enough for the night :)